In the grieving process of losing my son Alex to an accidental drug overdose, I have started writing a blog as therapy. Not only has it helped me, but from comments received, it let's others know they are not alone and what they feel is sometimes exactly what they are SUPPOSE to feel. Bless you all who find yourselves in my position; I wish you weren't.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
I so want to be grateful for all the blessings I have had this past year, and I really am when I think about them, and then this sinking feeling comes creeping in and starts to take over. I am being brutally honest and want you all to know. Every year is a challenge to go on and deal with the death of a child. I know childbirth is the worst pain to go through, but the death of a child is almost unbearable to describe. My friend read my last posting and said IT IS SO GOOD TO READ HOW YOU HAVE HEALED AND MOVED ON SINCE ALEX'S DEATH. YOU ARE SO BRAVE. I know she meant well when she said it, but I totally went home feeling bad. There have been so many changes in friends and families lives since Alex died. Throughout them all, I have brought Alex with me with the hope that doing so would help me heal and also bring my heart peace that he truly WAS there, with me. But you all must know we DON'T move on, we endure. I have heard that grief is like a lazy Susan. It depends on where it lands when spun. It can be a day of crying, a day of celebrating your life, a day of wanting to hear your laughter, a day of needing to see your smile. The days pass us by and the friends and family around us go on with their lives, and I am so happy for them. Births have occurred, weddings, (DJ !!)more births are going to come. Tom and Allison are having twins. GOSH, I wish you were here to tease him about that! Audra graduated with her Masters, Adam graduate from Michigan. All great milestones in their lives. Tracey is finding peace in her heart and joy in her life. Lizzie passed away and now I know Velvet has another companion. My wish has come true to go to the Ellen show again. This time I am taking Tommy and you know he deserves to go. I tell these stories of you to friends and many ask why. How else can I share the jewels of memories you have given me. They are treasures that only I can tell. I try to picture in my head where you would be in life but it's just so hard. But I have to tell you something only you and Joanie would believe. So be prepared. As I lay halfway asleep, it felt like someone was crawling on top of my covers. Something big, not like a cat or dog. He or she (unknown to me) laid down next to me. As it approached to go, I did not open my eyes and I said aloud PLEASE DON'T GO yet, and it laid back down. Then a few minutes later, I got a kiss on my temple and it left. I fell back asleep and dreamt it was you Alex, in a white t shirt and your blue sweatpants. With my whole heart and soul I swear it was you. The first time I have dreamt of you as an adult. Nothing can change my mind and everyone by now must think I am nuts, but I will forever believe it was you. Miracles never cease and the power to come back to give those you love a sign you are watching over them I hold onto. Thank you Alex, I needed it to start off this new challenging year.