In the grieving process of losing my son Alex to an accidental drug overdose, I have started writing a blog as therapy. Not only has it helped me, but from comments received, it let's others know they are not alone and what they feel is sometimes exactly what they are SUPPOSE to feel. Bless you all who find yourselves in my position; I wish you weren't.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Your birthday is coming up soon, and I want you to know that this past year I have thought of you so often and so have your friends. At Audra and Mitch's wedding, your brother mentioned you in his best man speech and it brought tears to many eyes. Then at DJ and Amy's wedding there were seats put aside for you and her cousin who had also passed. So many others who were there were missing you also. Somewhere in this same year Tom and Alison got married. They kindly took some of your ashes with them on their honeymoon. They promised to spread them so you could reach another part of this big world. It's a pleasure to know that friends and family have taken you with them on their new journeys and adventures, if only in their hearts. But that is enough for me. You see, I promised myself that what ever I did this year, I would also just take you right along with me. I have come to realize that I don't have a hole in my heart since you died. What I had was a pain so bad from losing you that it broke my heart. It's a miracle anyone can survive the pain. But through time it has healed and instead of feeling pain from missing you it feels joy for having had you. And that has carried me through this past year. And even though you are gone, and I can't see you anymore, I have what you left behind; LOVE. And it's endless. Because no one can take it from me, it's always there. I have come to accept the new normal in my life. It's OK to wake up and think you are still in your room and just sleeping, even if it's just for five minutes. It's OK to glance up when the garage door opens thinking it's you coming in from smoking a cigarette. It's OK because nothing will be quite normal ever again. How could it be? All parents raise their children to grow up and become independent and eventually live without us. It's when one leaves unexpectedly it doesn't make sense. It's not normal. So we have to learn to live a different normal. I have never thought of feeling sorry for myself. It's been hard enough just staying in the present that there is no going backwards. I thank God for the Killoran family and my brother Tommy. It's hard to say that your death has brought us all closer but it has. It has opened all our eyes to what we have and we hold it even closer now. I guess you can say we all have a new normal. My normal is to take you with me in my heart wherever I go. So when we watched Audra and Mitch get married, you were there. And when we helped move them into their new house, you were there. When we met your new second cousin and I held her close to my heart, you were there. It's how I can keep you alive, in my heart. And as long as you are there, you will be with me the rest of my life. So on December 7th, I will be singing to you Happy Birthday Alex, and I know you will feel my heartfelt wishes.