In the grieving process of losing my son Alex to an accidental drug overdose, I have started writing a blog as therapy. Not only has it helped me, but from comments received, it let's others know they are not alone and what they feel is sometimes exactly what they are SUPPOSE to feel. Bless you all who find yourselves in my position; I wish you weren't.

Friday, April 26, 2013

I realized when I pray, I do so with no requests. It may come as a surprise but God doesn't answer prayers. This I truly believe. That's not to say you shouldn't pray and praise God for what you have and for the blessings of your loved ones. I don't question my faith or how it works. There are things that happen in life that are unexplainable, miracles for one. But  I can't say it was God that did it or didn't do it. But having faith that a higher power is out there makes my life complete and safe. God is there to listen to our prayers but some believe if you don't pray heaven is a place you won't go to when you pass. I pray for peace in my heart and for the world. I pray for guidance to make the right decisions and to be a giving person. I am a realist and I am not sure if it's my faith that I was brought up with that assures me I will go to heaven when I die and see Alex again; or it's what I hold onto because it gets me through the days. I can't imagine that a God that gives you such a miracle, a child, that he would stop there and not let us see them again once we pass. I dream alot about my son but I also dream of my father in law. Dad Killoran died when Audra was only three. He accepted me right into the family quicker than anyone else. He was funny, quirky, and very polite. His death was the first our family ever experienced. We knew he had Alzheimer's but also a heart problem. He ended up dying suddenly of a heart attack before we could address either problem and we had just had him over for dinner just a short time before he left us. So in our despair we had some peace knowing he knew we loved him. When my nieces were getting married all I kept thinking of was who isn't here that was loved and missed. So I wrote letters to the girls letting them know that I knew their grandpa was there watching them and was in awe of their beauty and was sorry he couldn't say it in person. I write journals for my kids which they know about but I don't know what moved me to write letters to them that day. I was in the back seat of the car writing on scrap paper I had found to get the letter done. We were on the way to the church. That is how quickly the idea hit me. It just seemed the right thing to do. Now, with Alex gone, I haven't written in his journal since he died. I had always wrote to my children when something special in life happened to them or just on their birthdays and shared events from the year. But it seems impossible for me to reach for his journal and write to him, knowing I can't give it to him later in his life, because he isn't here anymore. Plus, I write on my blog about him and on his Facebook page. So I feel I do talk to him. I miss his sense of humor, he could make me laugh like no other. Sometimes he would sit and talk with me and reveal things I never thought he would, and I listened, really listened. Other days he was so distant and wouldn't openly share even where he was going sometimes, he would clam up. I felt like a million bucks when he would hug me and say I LOVE YOU because those days were few and far apart. I have the best lending ear, and he knew it, but he kept much of his feelings inside. Few of his friends really knew the Alex WE knew. I don't think he ever wanted to burden his friends with his problems because he was always the one willing to help others more. At least that's what everyone tells me. I just am very glad I had those special times with him to look back on and now cherish. Even though there were rough days, we managed. Not everyone is perfect so we knew to expect bumps in the road. I just never expected mountains to climb and holes so deep that it was amazing we could climb out of them. People say "The older they get the bigger the problems." That I agree with but some problems don't have solutions. I am always hearing that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Well, dear Lord, I am jam packed down here and I really do pray, so I am listening Lord, and I am everyday living my life as a good person, the best I can be. I pay it forward without expectations, and I am forgiving of those who have done harm. And I hope that's good enough to get to heaven and someday see Alex again. Thank you for listening to my prayer.

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