Imagine just one day CHANGING the rest of your life. We all have them in our lives; get a license, the day we graduate, get our dream job, get married, have children. Those are the days most of us expect to change our lives. And there is plenty more ground breaking days in there, squeezed in between the big ones. We get through them and move on to the next one, expecting to always move forward. The death of Alex turned our lives upside down and backwards. In one day nothing would ever be the same, and changes would be around every corner. To everyone the world seemed the same, their day was either how they planned or even just a day to kick back and relax. I had entered into a strange world where EVERYTHING I looked at was different and within hours and days seemed unbearable. I didn't like nor would I ever think I would get used to this way of life without Alex in it. At times I hung on so tightly to my immediate family that I had to back off because I felt I was suffocating them. I knew what I was doing, I was protecting what I had left. So many people looked at Mark and I and I know they saw agony in our eyes, I wondered if they saw the anger in mine. I was not sure of all the stages of grief. I have read since then about them, but I had alot on anger and I hid it well. Today, when I thought I am on my way to dealing with the grieving steps, and moving on, I have a 1 minute run in with one of his former friends. This person is one whose life was affected by drugs and was deeper into it than Alex was. Grief and anger came back and engulfed me with one chance meeting that didn't even happen because I turned and walked away when I saw him. I literally ran to the car and drove home. Getting home, I thought I was being dramatic and tried to calm down and think rationally. But I realized I was so damn upset it was HIM walking around and not Alex. Even he had problems longer and had accidents and so many close calls with death and yet ALEX was the one gone and there he was. I realized I wasn't angry, and Lord knows I didn't wish harm to him. I was disappointed. It's just he reminded me Alex wasn't here. Another reminder. I think that's when my heart aches the most, and what mothers heart wouldn't? A little part of me will always say WHY HIM? If that question doesn't EVER cross your mind or you say it hasn't, you are lying to yourself. I prayed those select few that I knew of would never cross my path again. It was just wishful thinking. But I hope everyday they think about Alex and are grateful its not them. That their parents never have to go where we have. Their siblings missing them and wishing they could have more. That they never take advantage of another day they wake up to. I want them to appreciate the family that surrounds them and loves them despite their faults. Because with Alex, I loved him through it all. When Alex died, a part of my heart went with him and nothing can fill that part again; until I am with him again and can see his face and hold him in my arms. I had held out hope for Alex for such a long time that somehow I felt ripped off. I wouldn't get to watch his dreams come true that he had talked about. I had lost the pleasure of his company. Holidays and birthdays are coming and they will only be a painful reminder that he isn't here. What are we suppose to do? I tell myself, but really don't have to, that I have also been blessed with two other children that are here and still need me. They may be grown, but mothering never stops. We get through each day, one at a time. And we go through these days like we had before, but with less intensity. We just go through the motions for a little while. Weeks go by, months go by, and our life and home is quieter. I wake up and the first minute is not filled with the loss of Alex. The next five to ten are, but not the first. It's a life I am getting used to, a future with my family and friends without Alex. A change I will have to get used to, that I don't like at all.
Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day.
Unseen, unheard, but always near; still loved, still missed and very dear.