I read this recently -
"Letting go is the hardest thing you can do as a parent. You have to settle with the past, engage in the present and believe in the future. The bond is forever, no matter how far they go."
I remember my son, everyday, in some small way, but usually only for a brief time and then..........I move on with living my life. My son would not want me to be sad forever. He would just want me to remember him. I still don't have the closure I want. I am praying that comes with time. I've tried to describe how I feel about losing Alex. Like riding an airplane and a window blows out, and you are holding on to your seat for dear life or you will get sucked out. Then the airplanes levels off; you look around to assess the damage. Am I OK? Is anything broken? And then you notice this one empty seat. You know someone was there, you knew there name and where they were going, but they are no longer in that seat. They were sucked out of the window and they are GONE. Or even going to sleep and waking up, only to find you are missing a part of your body, your hand, a leg, any part that you are SO use to being there, and suddenly its gone. I'm not sure if they are rational examples, but it is how I feel. Knowing he wanted to be cremated and having his ashes is somewhat comforting. And we still have Alex's ashes at home with us. For the last couple of weeks, for some reason it has bothered me that we have not yet decided where his final resting place should be. When I asked my son Adam about it, he said, "What's wrong with where they are?" I never even thought he might feel that where they are IS where they belong. It's not that I think Alex isn't at rest or anything. But I always imagined him as such a free spirit and always loving to be outdoors, when up north with his buddies and fishing on the waters when he could; or out on the golf course, whether it was disc golf or just golf. Seems like his ashes sitting here at home doesn't do him justice. I know I have mentioned we spread some around the house, some up north, out on the golf course and when we went to Santa Monica Pier. I know it's only his ashes, but it's HIM. And maybe he should be here, in his home, where he sought comfort and privacy. Yes, I am sure this is where his ashes should be. So I have decided Adam was right. It seems there are still alot of changes going on around here, but some change is REALLY good.