In the grieving process of losing my son Alex to an accidental drug overdose, I have started writing a blog as therapy. Not only has it helped me, but from comments received, it let's others know they are not alone and what they feel is sometimes exactly what they are SUPPOSE to feel. Bless you all who find yourselves in my position; I wish you weren't.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Feelings, nothing more then feelings.

When you write a blog, at least my intentions, we're to be brutally honest and let others know what it is like to lose a son, and survive. Not just survive, but live. Those words themselves have only recently been found to be true and useful. Each day is still a struggle, my mind travels back to many times when he was here and happy. But those memories keep him alive in my heart and that lessons the pain. Let me tell you though, the pain will never go away. It dulls to an ache. It doesn't consume every moment of every day like it did following his death. And when someone else now hurts from the loss of a loved one, my heart can now feel their sadness. Before, I couldn't, or even wouldn't. I will tell you that my heart was aching so badly when Alex first died I didn't want to feel their pain. I was so full of my own that I couldn't handle theirs, too. I have since moved on enough from his death that I now feel, really feel, other peoples pain. So that is how I know I am not just surviving but living. And I have had the pleasure recently to know I have helped someone just by writing all about it. I was contacted about my blog. And what he wrote touched my heart and I felt it. Deep down inside, my heart felt full, not completely broken. I never thought it would heal, and yet, I can say it is. I have asked this man if I could post his note. He said it was fine, if I thought it would help someone else. So I am printing it. I have chosen to remove a few words that would have identified him ONLY because I feel his recovery is as important as his identity. He kindly told me this isn't necessary, but I still chose to do it. I believe no one should be LABELED in this world, and he should always be known as brave, important, and that his life has purpose and value.

(the note from my FRIEND)

You don't know me but I always see ur post.  I likes ur post about Alex. I too am in recovery n am coming on two yrs.  some people in recovery don't realize how truelly blessed they are. If my family could ever go into detail about me I was pretty bad, bad enough to be grateful that I'm still here. I went to high school with Alex n although we never talked we still lived the same life. Pretty much though I just wanted to say thank you for sharing ur posts about Alex ..I have moments of extreme gratitude when I sit n realize what other people have lost in order for me to live. I jus want u to know there's sober people out there who see the big picture and r extremely grateful. Ur son and ur posts that I see contribute to me continuing to live a clean and sober life. So I jus wanted to say thank you  Once again thank you n wish nothing but best for u n ur family.

What a great feeling to know that by just writing about my son it's helping others. Feels like I never lost you Alex, but of course, I never will.

1 comment:

  1. I too lost my beautiful son, Matt, to substance abuse disorder. He was also only 26. I miss him every day as do his brother, sister, father, niece, aunts and uncles , cousins and many many friends. Our lives have been forever changed since 7/9/18. What I wouldn’t give up to have him back.
    Unfortunately, he had some friends that I also blame for his death. I just can’t prove it yet!!!
    I was blessed to be his mama, grateful for the 26 years we had and thankful he struggles no more.