In the grieving process of losing my son Alex to an accidental drug overdose, I have started writing a blog as therapy. Not only has it helped me, but from comments received, it let's others know they are not alone and what they feel is sometimes exactly what they are SUPPOSE to feel. Bless you all who find yourselves in my position; I wish you weren't.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

The people you touched will never forget you; that I know from living through this past year. This family has survived your loss but not without pain. To be honest, it's been damn hard. My heart hurts, and aches to no end that you are not here with us to celebrate life and all it offers. Someone asked if we were going to have a memorial. When I talked with Mark he had said it never crossed his mine; nor mine I told him. Not a single DAY has gone by that we have not remembered you ALEX in some way. So what do I need a memorial for? From your Facebook page, I can tell you many of your friends have thought of you often. I just so wish you were here. I could see you spending some weekends here and there with your sister and Mitch, them teaching you snowboarding; you would have loved that challenge. We purchased a new car and the Lumina was ready for you, but you weren't here. When the weather broke, and spring arrived, the trees became full again and all I thought of was fishing for you and DJ up north. Joe and your friends would have had a lot of fun playing disc golf for the summer. Adam came home for the summer before starting Michigan in the fall. How much I would have enjoyed the two of you together again, and you having a big brother to go to and give you support. He so wanted to help you, as did Audra. I was hoping Mitch and Audra could teach Adam golf, then you guys would have always had a foursome. Samantha graduated, Gregory misses playing video games with you. Come August, I had my 52nd birthday. I missed your small note or candy or candle I would get secretly from you when it was just the two of us together. September came and it was Audra's birthday, number 25. She is such a great nurse. Your birthday, Christmas eve and Christmas day; I put on a great smile but inside I was wishing you were there. Your would have had so much fun with Joey and Evan. Mitch is grateful he had time with you. You were SO right when you said they are great pair. He will be there and even sometimes talk about you and your sense of humor and get a chuckle out of her. I think he will help her remember all the good times, and there were a lot. Your dad, Adam and I have no difficulty talking about you and sharing things. Adam says he could never get over how you could use three towels after coming out from a shower and STILL manage to get the whole floor wet. He said he really misses having a brother. I miss glancing outside and seeing you on the deck, relaxing, having a cigarette and talking with your friends. Hearing your laughter, and sitting around the bonfire. I have gotten angry at you, and at first I felt guilty. I've learned not to blame others for your death. I know it was an accident, but I also know it could have been prevented if you had just accepted all the help that surrounded you. Not a day goes by I regret not grabbing you and sending you away. Others say you would have fought it because you didn't accept the fact you had a problem. I know I was something of an enabler, but I couldn't just stand by and let you fall to hit rock bottom. I made sure you had a clean bed and food. I was always mom first. I am very aware now how well you hid it from me. I also see how it's all around us. This addiction knows no certain race or how you are raised or what income your family makes. It's everywhere. I do know for sure it's not suppose to happen this way; a parent outliving a child. Until it happens to you, you can't relate. Just like I fully didn't understand your addiction, others cant understand my pain; OUR families pain. I can tell you I have never been ashamed of you. Never will stop loving you. Disappointed, yes, but never ashamed. It was a disease. I still forgive you and will always love you. A mother's love is never ending. Your life had meaning and purpose, I wish you had known that. I found this song, and I so hope it's true. It gives me peace knowing you are with someone who loved you first; and then he gave you to me.

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