In the grieving process of losing my son Alex to an accidental drug overdose, I have started writing a blog as therapy. Not only has it helped me, but from comments received, it let's others know they are not alone and what they feel is sometimes exactly what they are SUPPOSE to feel. Bless you all who find yourselves in my position; I wish you weren't.

Sunday, September 23, 2012


 I know it's only September, but the trees leaves in the front yard are already changing. It seems impossible that summer is over and fall is here. I'm getting used to change around this house, but it's still not easy. I can still remember the first buds that appeared on my tree. Early March, not even a full month since Alex had passed. Those first couple of days and weeks after he passed it seemed like every first or last of anything left an impression on my mind and heart. When spring arrived and the buds first appeared, I knew it would be less than 2 weeks and the tree would be covered with new life, new leaves. It was a routine in time I had gotten used to over the last 27 years of watching the tree grow, along with my three children. But this past spring, Alex wasn't here. I couldn't tease him about how many times he had climbed the tree and took my breathe away; one time so high he swayed with the branches and made me scream YES ALEX, YOU ARE KING OF THE TREE !   And the whole time my heart was in my throat watching him slowly climb down, his nine year old body was shaking with laughter. There was so many games that the tree was "home base" for, and the grass that has never grown back in one patch around it because of those games. Later, using the tree as a source of shade when the days were so hot and everyone tired of running through the sprinklers. Many lunches were served under the tree and I am sure the birds and squirrels were very thankful for that and for three kids who hated the crust on there sandwiches. The curriculum didn't change much back then when our kids were in school, so there was the annual 1st grade Popsicle bird house from each of them (which in time turned out to be ever other year for the birds).  And when the colder months came, the 3rd graders gathered pine combs which were then lathered in honey and sugar, rolled in crushed nuts, tied off with a bright red ribbon and hung from the lower branches for the squirrels long winter. Even when the city workers came every few years and cut the lower branches off, it didn't stop the kids from climbing the tree. One child on the others shoulders made it possible to just reach the next set of branches. They found out the water hose was JUST not long enough to squirt you if you hid behind it but you could get drenched if caught running to it. When the 5th grade assignment was to collect leaves of all trees and label their origin, we found our tree to have to BIGGEST BRIGHTEST leaves in the neighborhood and every kid would come by picking through the fallen leaves, looking for the perfect one for their project. This year, we discovered the tree was killing our front lawn with its roots and the city will soon be coming to cut it down. The nice part was that they gave me a choice of 7 trees I can pick to replace it. I really put some thought into the one that will go there. It's a much smaller tree that grows no more that 15 feet tall and has colored leaves all year long. It will feel so different looking out from the living room and seeing a smaller tree there. But when the big tree comes down, I am going to take a leaf from the VERY top and put it in my collection. The mother of the KING of the tree deserves that. It will help with all the changes.

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