In the grieving process of losing my son Alex to an accidental drug overdose, I have started writing a blog as therapy. Not only has it helped me, but from comments received, it let's others know they are not alone and what they feel is sometimes exactly what they are SUPPOSE to feel. Bless you all who find yourselves in my position; I wish you weren't.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Alex liked being an older brother. He said he wanted a baby brother, but when Audra came along, he was happy. He was more in awe of THE BABY more than anything. He found it necessary to be involved with everything when she was first home. He wanted to feed her, change her, help bathe her. When we put her in his old crib, he got a little upset. He had been in his big boy bed for about 3 months, so we just thought it wouldn't bother him. She was home for about a month when we went in one morning and found him sleeping in the crib, Audra pushed into the corner, both content as could be. We just sat there and laughed quietly and then woke him up. I thought for sure he would want his crib back, but little did we know why he was in there. We told him "Alex you know that's Audra's bed now, right, you have a new bed, remember?" He just shook his head and in all seriousness said, "I know momma, she was just lonely." We were flabbergasted. Both him and Adam shared a room now and he had the heart to think she might be lonely cause he had Adam for company at night and she was all alone. Those moments in time stand still and I recall them like they were yesterday. He loved to try to make her laugh and would bring her stuffed animals and make funny noises while he tickled her with them. One story I told at the funeral was catching him and Adam looking at Audra in her bassinet and giggling. I heard them so I quietly went into the kitchen to watch them. Alex then said, "Look Adam, when you poke her, she moves." I could not help but laugh myself. Then a moment later, she started crying and he was saying "Shhh Shhh" and then he started to sing his favorite song he would always ask me to sing to him; "You are my shunshine, my only shunshine, you made me happy when skies er gray"...........etc.etc. He was such a sweet kid, and I sometimes wonder, when did he start to change into a man that needed drugs to be happy when he had such a great childhood with so much love and seemed so happy?