In the grieving process of losing my son Alex to an accidental drug overdose, I have started writing a blog as therapy. Not only has it helped me, but from comments received, it let's others know they are not alone and what they feel is sometimes exactly what they are SUPPOSE to feel. Bless you all who find yourselves in my position; I wish you weren't.
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
We have a great power of influence over our children, more than we want and more than we can imagine. And even though we shape them and raise them to be respectful, courteous, loving, compassionate and kind hearted, in the end, it is still their decision once their adults what they want to do. Gosh, it's those times you wish time would stand still. When all is going well and they are happy. We stand by them and guide them until the time comes that we have to let them go and make, hopefully, rational decisions and choices. I am still at odds as to how I have raised three children in the same home and all have still such completely different personalities, goals and lives. But they all seemed to be peaceful and happy; for most of the time. Adam, he knew he had to join the Marines to get out. He was so stuck in a rut that life just seemed to be going no where and when he thought this was the way to make something of himself, he decided to enlist in the Marines. "The best of the best" is how he put it. Even though he had his doubts, even the night before leaving and saying he had changed his mind (but we know there was no getting out of it at that point) he still went, and NEVER did it enter my thoughts he would fail. I KNEW, don't ask me how, but I knew he would get through boot camp and become of Marine. Audra, she had made her decision from such a young age that she wanted to be a nurse. Always willing to help people, being the motherly type to all the children I watched and babysat for while I stayed home and raised them. She was gentle and kind, and liked being in charge. She also never wavered and became the nurse she was determined to be. Alex, he never knew which way to go. For a while, he wanted to be a garbage man, REALLY, and then the next day it was a professional baseball player. In high school he never once mentioned any career goals and when it came to school, he was there because he HAD to be. He held interests in the computer, and could just about do anything on it, but he had no intention of doing it for a living. He grew so impatient with people who would screw up their computers, he would fix it for them, and months later come RIGHT back with the same problem. He would get pissed, irritated that AGAIN he was fixing the same problem, and he thought they were idiots not to have known better. He had little patience and was easily irritated by such STUPIDITY as he called it; yet when I tried to explain to him that just some people are not computer savvy, his only answer would be "Then don't use the damn thing if you don't know what you are doing." The mind of a genius I would say, and yet he had no life goals picked out at all. My daughter would get mad when I said he just hadn't found his "nitch" yet in life, some get it later than others. She just thought it was pure laziness. We agreed to disagree. So many times I wish I had a time machine. I dream of such happier times and wish so damn hard for that machine. But I know it doesn't exists. Our lives have gone on and we have to live this new life. But there are days I hate it. I just want my boy back. I want my son home, with us. And I know it's just not possible. At these times, I just go on and pray for more peace in my heart. God give me more peace. It's all I can do.