In the grieving process of losing my son Alex to an accidental drug overdose, I have started writing a blog as therapy. Not only has it helped me, but from comments received, it let's others know they are not alone and what they feel is sometimes exactly what they are SUPPOSE to feel. Bless you all who find yourselves in my position; I wish you weren't.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Loving you from afar, ALWAYS ALWAYS

Life has been busy in the Killoran household. Just don't think for one second Alex is far from our hearts or minds. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. And the memories of your childhood sometimes keep me awake at night. I look at pictures and try to imagine WHEN the change took place in you that you had to turn to drugs to feel NORMAL; or that life bored you so much that you needed the drugs to get by. I think it is so sad that many people won't ever know what a kind soul you had or that their lives will never be touched by you. I have decided that the word has to go out somehow about our loss and how it has impacted our lives. A friend suggested I speak about drugs at our local high school. So tomorrow (or very soon!; wedding plans and grandma are keeping me a little busy) I am going to Henry Ford high school and I am going to speak to one of the counselors I know. If I can help just ONE family hold onto their loved one, I have given your death one less reason to cause me pain. And for every single person I meet that wants to talk, I will give them my number. In some way my son, your death will not be in vain. I wish that I can say others are not walking in my shoes, but there are so many that have passed recently, the numbers are astounding. Heroin is cheaper than marijuana? WHAT in the world is happening? I have to make a mark in this world. So be it, I will be telling young high schooled students about our personal tragedy, but they have to hear it from the real person, the survivor that is not only surviving in pain, but has learned to LIVE. And without you here, that seemed impossible. But as the days go by, I have felt this urge to help others. I help with grandma, but I don't think it's enough. After Audra marries, off she will be; enjoying her new home and making plans for her future with Mitch. God bless her in this wonderful journey that awaits her. When Adam graduates with his degree, off he will be sending resumes out for a job in a very WARM place that doesn't have snow. So I have to do this. It is like a calling of some kind. It has tugged at my heart for days now, and having Kristi pushing me to do it, I didn't think I could. But I was remembering your funeral and how I got up to speak that day. I have never been to a funeral where a mother stands up and talks about their child. I am not by any means BOASTING about it. I would give ANYTHING not to have done it. But no one knew you better in this household than me; your mother. So if by chance you are looking down upon us all tonight, please keep grandma in your thoughts, because she isn't doing so well. And watch over the family and friends you loved so much during this holiday weekend. I always have you in my thoughts. Loving you from afar, ALWAYS, ALWAYS.

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