In the grieving process of losing my son Alex to an accidental drug overdose, I have started writing a blog as therapy. Not only has it helped me, but from comments received, it let's others know they are not alone and what they feel is sometimes exactly what they are SUPPOSE to feel. Bless you all who find yourselves in my position; I wish you weren't.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

In all that I have written about Alex, I never wrote that my son didn't like me. He told me that straight out one day. And you know what, I told him the same back. "Right now, I don't like you either, but I do love you". That was true. There are going to be days that you don't like your kids and they won't like you. But you have to let them always know you love them, and he knew it. In very subtle ways he would show it. I complained about the mailbox being broken and a week or two later I found him outside taking it apart and fixing it.  When my birthday would come in August, he would wait until after the day was almost over, when I was alone, and he would then give me a card, or a gift. One was a beautiful frame that had five people on it, signifying each of us.  My last birthday before he passed he gave me my gift in front of his friend DJ. More than likely because they had gone shopping together. But to me it didn't matter, he wasn't embarrassed to give me a gift in front of his friend. They were beautiful green wine bottles, cut out on the bottom, to sit on rod iron holders with teacup candles holders in side of them. I love different kinds of candles (and WINE) and he hit it. And the card was perfect, he really had to have searched for it because the words really couldn't have been more perfect coming from him. He could never had said them aloud.

When my father died, I felt lost for a little while. I had not lost someone close to me ever before and it was so sad and lonely. I knew I had a great life with him, but there was so much more I wanted him to see with me and my family. I cried, but I knew eventually I would have to accept that he was sick with cancer, and now was no longer in pain and was at peace. And then my life went on. When Alex passed, my life stopped. I was at a holding pattern waiting for the sky to fall down and scoop me up also. I wasn't prepared like with my dad. So to say I was in SHOCK, we were in shock, would be an understatement. It was me that had lived a life with marriage and kids and education and work. Alex was just starting his life and really living it. Working the weekends, going to school. Adam was going to be home soon after finishing in Arizona and hopefully getting into U of M and Audra was here. There were so many days they got along great, and others, not so much. But that's just sibling rivalry. They loved each other, REALLY loved each other. I always thought it was because they were close in age and played so much together. Even as they grew older, baseball in the field behind our home, basketball at all times of the day in the driveway. Video games and challenges. I remember playing a game called Metroid with them and all of us trying to beat each other to get to the end. Alex was so ticked that at the end it was a GIRL under the helmet !  We still laugh about that one. I was looking forward to them all being together again, under one roof. We just never did reach that day.

They say never be your child's best friend, you are their PARENT; raise them and love them as a parent. Well, I can definitely say I am not their best friend. But I am allowed to say I like them, I like them so much.


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