In the grieving process of losing my son Alex to an accidental drug overdose, I have started writing a blog as therapy. Not only has it helped me, but from comments received, it let's others know they are not alone and what they feel is sometimes exactly what they are SUPPOSE to feel. Bless you all who find yourselves in my position; I wish you weren't.

Friday, August 2, 2013

I recommend all moms get a rocking chair. When the children are small, seems the rocking always could soothe them. And now I even rock, it's great for the calves, and it soothes me now. I do anything I can to get through a rough day when Alex is on my mind. Whether I like it or not, I still have a life to live here. I am married, and I have two other children. The shit I have lived through and still I know others who have been through worse. But when it's your own pain and loss, no one else's matters for a long time. I now belong to a group that I want nothing to do with; yet I have been pushed in, shoved in, kicking and screaming the whole way. There isn't even a name to this so called "club". I am the mother of a child who has died. It doesn't matter how old he was or how he passed. I'm not sure if anyone cares I found him. My boy, who was smiling at me a few hours earlier and thanking me for dinner. I am missing a part of my life I can't get back. I never knew I could miss someone so much. Miss the sound of his laughter resonating through the house. Every time someone walks in the door from the garage I turn my head and think it's him. I don't think enough time has passed for that to go away yet. There is no greater pain I have ever experienced than losing Alex. This pain knocks me to my knees in the middle of the day. I can get lost in his pictures for hours at a time. All the pictures that everyone complained about while I snapped away, and all I have now is those pictures; and memories. So many memories. And videos. Of him and the family and his friends. From when he was so small and needing me so much. I miss that feeling, of being needed. When all their problems could be solved with momma just rocking them in her chair.  

No comments:

Post a Comment