I recommend all moms get a rocking chair. When the children are small, seems the rocking always could soothe them. And now I even rock, it's great for the calves, and it soothes me now. I do anything I can to get through a rough day when Alex is on my mind. Whether I like it or not, I still have a life to live here. I am married, and I have two other children. The shit I have lived through and still I know others who have been through worse. But when it's your own pain and loss, no one else's matters for a long time. I now belong to a group that I want nothing to do with; yet I have been pushed in, shoved in, kicking and screaming the whole way. There isn't even a name to this so called "club". I am the mother of a child who has died. It doesn't matter how old he was or how he passed. I'm not sure if anyone cares I found him. My boy, who was smiling at me a few hours earlier and thanking me for dinner. I am missing a part of my life I can't get back. I never knew I could miss someone so much. Miss the sound of his laughter resonating through the house. Every time someone walks in the door from the garage I turn my head and think it's him. I don't think enough time has passed for that to go away yet. There is no greater pain I have ever experienced than losing Alex. This pain knocks me to my knees in the middle of the day. I can get lost in his pictures for hours at a time. All the pictures that everyone complained about while I snapped away, and all I have now is those pictures; and memories. So many memories. And videos. Of him and the family and his friends. From when he was so small and needing me so much. I miss that feeling, of being needed. When all their problems could be solved with momma just rocking them in her chair.