In the grieving process of losing my son Alex to an accidental drug overdose, I have started writing a blog as therapy. Not only has it helped me, but from comments received, it let's others know they are not alone and what they feel is sometimes exactly what they are SUPPOSE to feel. Bless you all who find yourselves in my position; I wish you weren't.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Mother's Day will never be the same again. I would like to say this was the best one ever SINCE last year, I can honestly say that. My son Adam is around the house more with summer here and Mitch asked Audra to marry him. Life has been pretty good and I anticipate a great year ahead. I went to a friends wedding and saw a lovely bride with the biggest smile walk down the aisle and begin her life with the man she loves and will soon start a family with. And it was probably the only wedding I didn't cry at. (that's a first for me!) I have come far from the person who a year ago felt my world was shattered when Alex died. But I found that love never ends. It reaches way beyond a funeral. I am trying to make something good come from his death, because to me it is still a tragedy. A life cut short. I still have a ways to go, but I am working on it day by day. I can look at his pictures and smile, but sometimes still a trip to the grocery store can bring on a burst of tears because I see his favorite snack, chocolate icecream. Other times it's just walking into his room. I talk about him alot, to friends and family, but it is so hard to put his name and actions into the past tense; sometimes it still feels like yesterday he was here. There is a bit of pleasure in talking to him when I hear a song on the radio he knew I liked I say THANKS ALEX. You do whatever you have to, to get through the day. I am sometimes tormented that it happened so soon after he got home and I worry he may have suffered. But i am assured by many people who would know he didn't. Someone asked me if I wanted to move. More than ever I feel connected to this home and neighborhood and friends. I am angry that he is not here but I try hard every day to get past the hurt and anger. Alex was one of my masterpieces, one of my lifes works. And it takes very special people to make masterpieces and Mark and I did, three times. Audra and Adam are my other two children that still keep loving this life and are helping me to enjoy it. Mark has also been great and after losing all the weight from his doctors orders, he is feeling better than ever, which makes me even happier. We are all going to work on staying healthy, keeping each other focused and help in whatever way we can to make this year better than last, and prepare it to be even better next year when Mitch and Audra marry. So many blessings to be grateful for. Many things to look forward to. Mother's Day, a day to appreciate my masterpieces, even if one can only be done with pictures, he is still one of our best works of art.