In the grieving process of losing my son Alex to an accidental drug overdose, I have started writing a blog as therapy. Not only has it helped me, but from comments received, it let's others know they are not alone and what they feel is sometimes exactly what they are SUPPOSE to feel. Bless you all who find yourselves in my position; I wish you weren't.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
I have to learn to forgive. I always thought I had it in me until a few days ago. I have always managed to forgive in my heart, but I never forget. I do not hold onto the past and hurts, letting it go doesn't mean you are forgetting it, it's that you are moving on. It can't control you and it may have changed you FOREVER to be a different person, hopefully better, but it can't hurt you anymore unless you LET it. I refuse to let my past rule my future. We all make mistakes, and we pay for them dearly in one way or another, but I truly believe if you walk away learning something from it, then it was a life lesson. I have read many books on forgiveness lately, DEFINITELY lately for reasons known to everyone close to me. We can push way down the pain or hurt that is there and let it bother us from time to time and let it play a part in not enjoying our life fully, or we can take it day by day and embrace this time of our life and use it as an opportunity to grow and learn. I choose the latter. There are actually steps to doing this and I have learned them and even though it sounds silly, I have used them all to get to where I am today. 1) waking up 2) anger and resentment 3) sadness and hurt 4) acceptance, integrity and letting go 5) reorganization and reinvestment These steps came from a book I read by Tina Dayton, Ph.D., "The Art of Forgiveness". I purchased it many years ago after my dad past away. There was alot of hurt and anger in those few weeks after his death, and many things were revealed about our lives growing up. I was devastated by his death, the pain he had endured and how hard he fought to live, but I was also shocked to learn what kind of life he had lived and how many people he had hurt along the way. He never ever taught my brother how to survive on his own, he gave him so much and my brother took so much that he always thought he had it coming to him. This has made him into a spoiled, selfish grown man who has no responsibilities in this world and no great ties to this family. I love him dearly, but he makes it very hard to do even that. My sister, my twin sister, YEP, I do have one, has moved on and not without paying a big price for losing so much during her adolescence. I never knew this and for many years wondered why we weren't close, but now understand. I have wished her nothing but love and happiness since then. We had our closure. She has stepchildren that mean more to her than the world, and she loves them no less than if they were born by her themselves. But I feel that when Alex died, a part of me did, too. Think about it, a part of me and a part of Mark is now gone, forever. Someone we nurtured from the moment of conception till the day he passed. He was loved much also by my brother Tommy. He was actually stopping by that morning and until he called, I had forgotten. He was only ten minutes away so instead of telling him on the phone, I thought it better to just tell him when he got to the house. I will never forget his face, pure shock, and he fell to his knees. We just held onto each other for awhile. Now he is dealing with the loss of my mom. When she got to the hospital and they got her back after twenty minutes of compressions, the news was grim. My husband and I did not think she would make it through the night and I left it up to the kids if they wanted to come to say goodbye. They did, even Mitchell, Audra's boyfriend; and I had no doubt he would or they would. They have great respect for me and my family, and knew that this was hurting me. To loose someone again so soon, just was really upsetting. Their whole lives I have never hidden anything from them about my family, they needed to make decisions for themselves on who they wanted to see or keep in touch with. I was never given this choice, it was taken from me through lies and deception. I swore I would never do that to my children. They are past eighteen and they can make up their own mind when all was told to them. They have great love for their grandfather, although it was hard for them to understand his actions, they were never hurt by him, so they only know love. They feel nothing but sadness for those he hurt, and have great respect for all of them. They know true forgiveness and love. I am proud to say they were brought up that way. I wish my mom and dad had done this for me. So many things could have been different. Stubborn and stupid doesn't cover the word when it came to them. Our home was not the Cleavers BY FAR and I know my mom started off so young to have children, which is why I think it was easier for her to just always cave in and do what my dad said. She never spoke up for herself, until it was too late; and all damage had been done. Even with her health, she always waited till the damage was done. "If it ain't broken, you don't fix it." Her motto for health. the most absurd STUPID motto. When we returned the next morning to the hospital, Tommy and I just kept telling her thank you for loving us as much as she could, and tell Alex hello, he will guide you in with open arms. I truly believed that, and it brought me great relief. I knew she wouldn't be alone. The priest came in to give her last rights and again professed that the hearing is the last to go, talk to her. So until she passed we talked. Tommy kept whispering in her ear, he want her to hold on if she could; I was the opposite. I told her we would survive, and take care of each other, and that she would never be alone. Hopefully heaven makes amends with people and she would see her mom and be happy with her, and then of course Alex. I am not sure if my dad made it there. We all start off good, God knows we later acquire our faults, we have to ask for forgiveness from him to be accepted into heaven. I have made amends with all my past indiscretion's. No one on this earth is perfect and I have learned that from every person I have met and where my life has taken me to. I have forgiven my son for not letting us help him. My life has moved on, but not a day goes by I don't think of Alex or my mother. I recently told my husband I finally had a dream about him. It was the very first one I had since he passed. Someone told me I would only dream of him once I fully accepted his death and blamed no one but him for his untimely departure. I guess they were right. When I asked Mark if he ever dreams about him, he answered, "Every night honey, every night." "To sleep, perchance to Dream."